When I'm Gone
by InsanityChaosDragon
Summary: A songfic dedicated to Sirius in OotP. YOU MUST READ ORDER OF THE PHOENIX FIRST! MAJOR SPOILER WARNING! rated pg because I don't like rating.


When I'm Gone  
  
A/n - This is a song fic I'm dedicating to Sirius and Harry in the fifth book for... *sniff* obvious reasons. Warning, it skips from time to time because these are all in Sirius's point of view, therefore they are memories skipping from one to another, therefore making it extremely confusing, like this sentence. So don't mind when it goes from one scene to a completely different one like that *snaps fingers*, ok? And there is a little reference to Harry/Hermione, even though I strongly believe in Ron/Hermione. The song is called "When I'm gone" by 3 doors down. Go listen to it on repeat while reading the last ten chapters and see what happens to you. Don't forget to be on an overdrive all day because you've been up since 6:20 am yesterday, while jacked up on soda pop. ^.^!!!  
  
DISC-lamer - The song "When I'm Gone" doesn't belong to me, it belongs to 3 Doors Down. Harry Potter and all characters from "Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix" belong to J. K. Rowling. Except Sirius. I own Sirius and I always will. *glomps Sirius, and hugs him too tight to let go*  
  
Kylara: *Pries Phoenix off of Sirius* He's not yours, he belongs to J. K. Rowling also!  
  
Phoenix: NO! *claws at Sirius* He IS mine! I kidnapped him fair and square!!!  
  
Kylara: *rolls eyes* *gives her a Chibi Sirius Muse that can shift back and forth between Chibi and life size*  
  
Phoenix: *Glomps the chibi muse* SIRIUS!!!  
  
Kylara: *starts pushing real Sirius away* Quickly, before she realizes that thing isn't the real you.  
  
Sirius: Thanks... *runs off to be reincarnated in one of the later books*  
  
~When I'm Gone~  
  
As the Impediment curse hit me full in the chest, I saw my relative's maliciously triumphant face, before my entire life flashed before my eyes. I knew the veil was behind me, and I saw everything in slow motion. Harry, out of the corner of my eye, was running towards me, a look of pure horror on his face. Harry...  
  
//There's another world inside of me, that you may never see  
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide  
But somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find  
Or maybe it's too far away  
Or maybe I'm just blind...//  
  
I sat there, staring at the flames in my fireplace. A look of profound sadness had overtaken me. I couldn't communicate with Harry, didn't dare to, for last time I was damn near caught. I couldn't take this. For all I knew, Harry was in grave danger.  
  
I was currently in my dog form, laying on the filthy hearth in front of the fire as Padfoot, letting the flames warm my outside up. I was too deep in my mind, into the little world I created. Me, James, Remus, and yes, even Peter, were all having fun around Hogwarts.  
  
In my mind, I was currently walking through the halls. A teacher had just rounded the corner, and me and James took off in separate directions. Remus and Peter were borrowing James' Invisibility Cloak, in order to retrieve a valuable necklace that Remus had lost in the Shrieking Shack the last time he had transformed, and Peter had volunteered to go along with him.  
  
I pulled out the mirror that I used to communicate with James during separate detentions and when I was at my mothers home over the summer. I whispered "Prongs" into it, just incase any teachers were nearby.  
  
James' face began to form in the mirror, turning slowly from fog into a corporeal form.  
  
//Or maybe I'm just blind...//  
  
I smiled widely, but my look quickly turned to one of shock and horror, as I saw not James' face appear within the mirror, but Harry's! Harry was mouthing something to me, apparently warning me of something.  
  
Turning around, I saw what Harry was apparently trying to warn me of. Right behind me was Peter. He was looking lost and confused, but behind him was Voldemort, reaching for Peter.  
  
"Peter!"  
  
It was too late. The dark lord's touch aged Peter into a small, short, balding man, his arm acquiring a small skull with a snake weaving in and out of it. My world began to dissolve around me, including Peter and Harry. From a long way's away I heard a voice calling me. Way off in the darkness, I began to wander. This voice had to be somewhere... I wandered for several minutes until I saw the flames from the fire. I ran, dashed, wildly.  
  
I woke with a start to Kreacher shaking me. Looking around, I saw that I was once again in human form. I must have transformed unknowingly in my sleep. Looking up at Kreacher, I scowled.  
  
"What do you want, Kreacher?"  
  
"Too inform the master that his pet is injured. Filthy blood traitor and his smelly beast, ruining The Mistress's house, oh, what the Mistress would say to Kreacher, what she would say..."  
  
I watched with a glare as Kreacher continued to mumble all too audibly, the rotten little house elf stalking away, most likely to try and scavenge something of my Mothers. Scowling, I got up and wondered if Buckbeak had been injured by Kreacher, or while trying to eat the pathetic little pest.  
  
On the way up I thought of what Molly had said to me on the night that Harry had first arrived here. Had she been right? Is that why I saw Harry's face in place of James? Did I secretly think of Harry as my best friend, rather than a godson, as I should?  
  
I entered my mother's old bedroom. Buckbeak was curled up on the mattress. I went over and petted him, and scratched him on his hind leg, Buckbeak's favorite scratching spot. I sighed, and saw on his scaly front claw, there was a nasty cut, yet clean as if someone... or something... had used a sharp instrument.  
  
I didn't know any healing spells, so I went over to a cabinet and pulled out an enchanted bandage. Going back over to Buckbeak, I began thinking of what exactly I would do to Kreacher the next time I saw him. Well, anything really, so I more or less began to decide what order I was to do these things, since Hermione and Dumbledore were not here to stop me. As I finished bandaging the wounded hippogriff, I began putting it in a logical, and quite torturous order...  
  
I'd start by hanging Kreacher upside down over a pot of a particularly nasty potion. I didn't listen during potions class for nothing, after all. Looking to the left of me, I saw James sitting there, loading a particularly nasty looking bit of slime into a straw he'd swiped from a bottle of butterbeer earlier.  
  
I saw that he was aiming it directly at the dripping slime ball himself, Severus "Snivellus" Snape. A little more slime wouldn't hurt him, it might actually improve his poor looks. James was about to fire when his straw bent, curved in half and pointed directly at his own forehead.  
  
It was too late to stop, and James shot, shooting the odd slime and splattering it all over his own forehead. He screamed out loud, as his forehead began to sprout pink fungus all over it. Within seconds, it seemed that on top of the body and shoulders of James Potter, there was now a hot- pink ball of mold.  
  
Everyone laughed, save the teacher, who rolled his eyes and scowled. I wiped my tears and looked past James and down the row, where Lily Evans sat amongst her friends, looking as triumphantly as ever. She was quite excelled at advanced charms, but I never quite figured how. The only two people at Hogwarts in our year ahead of her where James and myself.  
  
The potions master came and sent me and James down to the Nurses office. Once or twice I laughed because a muffled sound came from the fuzzy pink ball, which I assumed to be him trying to say something. We reached the nurses office, and Madam Carilot, who clicked her tongue disapprovingly, healed him. She was an excellent healer, I must admit. Maybe I should take a lesson or two sometime, I really don't know any healing spells. I smiled as I looked at James.  
  
He was standing next to Lily, holding Harry in his arms. The resemblance was uncanny... Well, like father like son. He laughed as Lily wondered if her son would ever pass up her husband in the mischief department.  
  
//So hold me when I'm here  
right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
Love me when I'm gone//  
  
I reached out and took Harry from James. I smiled as Harry laughed, and tugged on a strand of my brownish black hair. James was busy correcting Lily that between him and me, it was totally impossible for anyone in the world, muggle or wizard, to cause more havoc at Hogwarts than us.  
  
I voiced my opinion, that if I ever had a son, which I added was likely, that they might certainly be our successors. James screwed up his face in comical defeat, which made everyone present break into laughter again.  
  
It didn't last for long. Soon there was an explosion nearby, for we were outside that beautiful sunny day, and everyone screamed. It was incredibly easy to tell what caused it. A death eater had come. Harry began to whimper with fright. It was coming up on his first birthday soon, he did know when to fear.  
  
I looked at James, who in turn looked at me and then down at Harry. He had a horrible, zigzagging cut upon his forehead. He was screaming, crying, in a horribly agonizing wail.  
  
I looked up and saw Rubeus Hagrid. I dashed out of the remains, taking one last look at the bodies of my best friend and his wife, the blank, extinct gloss forever imprinted in their lifeless eyes. Tears were streaming down my face, both in agonizing defeated sadness, and raging, boiling hatred.  
  
Hagrid came over and told him he needed to take the child to Albus Dumbledore. I protested, saying that I was his last living relative, and that I deserved to take care of him. Hagrid argued, saying that he had strict and direct orders from Dumbledore himself, and they couldn't be wavered under any circumstance. I looked down to Harry, pulled him close in a hug, snuggling him.  
  
I looked up and saw death eaters approaching from far away. I quickly whispered in Harry's ear "Love me when I'm gone" and handed him to Hagrid. I told him to take my bike, I wouldn't need it anymore. I knew I was going to die soon.  
  
//Everything I am, and everything in me Wants to be the one you wanted me to be  
I'll never let you down, even if I could  
I'd give up everything, if only for your good  
So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
You won't always be there  
So love me when I'm gone//  
  
He shrugged, thanking me, comforted me a little with a few parting words, and took off with Harry in his arms. I winced, as I realized that it was probably the last time I was going to see him. Smiling, I let the last of my tears fall down my face. There were five Death Eaters around me. They realized that their lord was gone, and they assumed it to be all my fault. News sure travels slowly doesn't it? It'll take a whole day for Harry to get to his muggle relatives, knowing how far they lived away, assuming it was him he was going to.  
  
I looked up to the hooded demons bringing me death. One began to lower its hood. I gasped as the Dementor lifted me off the ground by the throat. Its grasp upon my neck was colder than Professor Flitwick's freezing charms. I changed into Padfoot, and sprinted off. I slipped through the very last bars of Azkaban, then plunged into the frigid, warm compared to the Dementors, water. I began swimming back to shore.  
  
I climbed onto shore, and looked back at the giant squid. I looked forward and saw Hogwarts looming in front of me. It was already night time. I began to walk across the lawns. That was a refreshing little swim I had just taken. I had better find that cat that I had met. Intelligent this cat was, for it had known me not to be a dog, but actually a human. Over a long period of time I had gained his trust. He had informed me that Peter, or more or less Wormtail, was staked out in Harry's dorm room.  
  
This clever cat began to lead me into the school. He led me into this one room and told me to wait there. As he left, I knew I was doomed. The Dementors were coming to deliver the fatal kiss that would steal my stole forever. I heard someone call my name and I saw an outline of James. My jaw dropped in surprise. I ran to the window, seeing him atop a hippogriff. He was with Lily. They looked so sweet together. I shook as hard as I could on the bars, but it was no use. They were locked.  
  
Lily did an unlocking charm, and when the bars fell, I saw that it was really Harry and his female friend, Hermione.  
  
I knew they had come to save me. My love for Harry would always be great. He had come to rescue me, not only endangering his and his friend's record at school, but also endangering his own life. I knew it was him that had saved me from the Dementors, not that slime ball, hook-nosed git, Snape.  
  
He and Hermione brought me up to the top of the tower, atop the Hippogriff. I turned to look at them when they had gotten off. How could I ever possibly repay them for saving my life? My soul?  
  
//When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin  
I won't tell you a damn thing  
That I could not tell my friends.  
While roaming through this darkness  
I'm alive, but I'm alone  
Part of me is fighting this  
But part of me is gone!//  
  
Hermione stood there, next to Ron, glaring at me. They had been here for the past week. I wouldn't tell her anything that I hadn't already told Remus. She was trying to get some information out of me that I hadn't told Remus. She figured quite a lot out on her own, even the fact that that horrible screeching banshee behind the curtains was my mother. Well, if you actually listened to her, you could probably figure it out.  
  
I looked shamefully at Hermione. She had probably already figured out that I tried to get out again, so why should I tell her? I looked to the ground, and looked back up to see them all boarding the train. Harry, Hermione, and Ron all cheerfully waved goodbye. I happily barked, then realized I was Padfoot again. Or to them, Snuffles. Heh, And to think, I was the one who agreed to that name when Dumbledore made it up.  
  
Turning around, Remus brought me back to the house. I was curled up on the hearth rug as Padfoot. I got up, stretched, and begin to sniff around the house. It was fun, being like this, getting into places I normally wouldn't. I sniffed around for a little bit. I was about to go back into my human form, but the floor gave way underneath me. I fell down... down... I don't know how long I fell...  
  
I finally hit the ground. Everything around me was dark. I whimpered slightly as I got up. Nothing was broken, but I did have the wind knocked out of me. Everything was so...dark...  
  
I walked steadily on, then after a while I broke into a run. I realized I was in my human form after a while. I was running from something... Lord Voldemort! Every way I turned there was a dead end! I now realize I was trapped in my own mind. Everything was dissolving around me again... I saw Harry's form being swarmed by death eaters... He's in trouble. I spun around. It's time to stop running. I launched a barrage of spells towards Voldemort. There was no way he'd ever get to Harry.  
  
I gasped suddenly. No... It was impossible... Behind me I heard a gasp and scream of defeat. I spun around to see Remus spring in front of Harry... Peter was there, his arm flying forward, he had a silver hand... Silver kills werewolves!... Suddenly, it dived deep into Remus's chest. Everything dissolved around me.  
  
"No... Remus!"  
  
I was stopped, by Voldemort. I spun, a feral snarl escaping my throat from deep inside my chest, straight from the source of pain in my heart. I began fighting with Voldemort, wand thrown aside. I was punching left and right. Remus was gone!  
  
My punches were as hard as I could throw them, but my heart wasn't in it. Most of my strength left with Remus. He was the last Marauder I could depend on to be my friend. Voldemort disappeared. I spun around. Everyone was gone except Remus's corpse and Peter standing triumphantly over it. Peter... I'm going to kill him...  
  
//So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
And love me when I'm gone//  
  
I was about to curse him, my wand was somehow in my hand again, but he disappeared. I ran over to Remus. I held him up, his bloodied form limp. I looked at him, horror-stricken. I closed my eyes as tears flooded them. I clenched my teeth and bent my head low.  
  
Remus's eyes flittered open. I didn't see it yet, but they had. His gaze silently shifted unto me. It was his weak voice that made my eyes shoot open in complete shock. I looked at him... he was making a great effort to speak...  
  
"S...Sirius..."  
  
"Yes Remus?"  
  
"I'm scared... I'm finally scared to die..."  
  
I pulled his form close. I hugged him gently. Ever since James' death, I vowed I'd never let another of my friends be killed by Voldemort or his minions. How could I have let this happen? Remus... He's been my best friend for the last two years, since I'd escaped from Azkaban. I held his hand and winced as his weak hand lightly clenched mine.  
  
I felt him let go long after I knew he was gone. I let out a scream from the bottom of my heart that was from pure primal instinct. Everything I had was gone! Peter, James, Remus, Hogwarts, Professor Dumbledore, Harry... Harry...? Was he gone?  
  
//Or maybe I'm just blind//  
  
I watched everyone fighting the Death Eaters. I was joining them. Remus was chasing some away from Harry and a friend. I stunned one of them and laughed triumphantly. Stupid Death Eaters... speaking of which... I spun and saw her. Bellatrix. All during my childhood, whenever she came over, I loved to torment her and somehow get away with it...  
  
We began to fight. I saw Harry out of the corner of my eye as she threw yet another Cruciatus Curse at me. James... No... Harry.  
  
"Ha! Is that the best you can do?"  
  
She threw an Impediment Curse and in the position I was in, I couldn't move out of the way in time. She smirked triumphantly as it hit me full in the chest...  
  
//So hold me when I'm here  
  
Right me when I'm wrong  
  
Hold me when I'm scared  
  
And love me when I'm gone  
  
Everything I am  
  
And everything in me  
  
Wants to be the one  
  
You wanted me to be  
  
I'll never let you down  
  
Even if I could  
  
I'd give up everything  
  
If only for your good  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
  
Love me when I'm wrong  
  
You can hold me when I'm scared  
  
You won't always be there  
  
So love me when I'm gone//  
  
I saw it all happen, right before my eyes. Realization over took me. Harry tried running at me, his whole body going slow. Remus saw both me and him, and finished off his opponent to intercept Harry. Remus... He was alive... I saw the looks on their faces and realized what must be happening... I'm going to die... I don't believe it... I won't be able to watch over my godson any more?  
  
//Love me when I'm gone...  
  
Love me when I'm gone  
  
When I'm Gone  
  
When I'm Gone  
  
When I'm Gone//  
  
I knew I'd be able to watch over him. Always. Next thing I knew, I was going through a veil... No one had ever gone in and come out alive. If you wanted to retrieve someone... it was your death bed. Like I said, no one had ever survived going in. But then again... Harry was pretty rebellious (Like his father) and did have a knack for surviving things no one else had ever dreamed of before...  
  
"No!!! Sirius!"  
  
"Harry, no, he's gone. He's gone..." 


End file.
